A cubicle. There is a chair, desk, and on the desk is a microwave with a computer keyboard in front of it. MILLER leans on the desk sipping coffee. O’NEILL sits at the microwave getting frustrated.

O’NEILL
Oh great. Thank you. Thank you so much, you stupid computer.
(to MILLER)
It ate my file again.

MILLER
You need to have patience with the new memo system, O’Neill. They’re filed, stamped, buried in the peat bog downstairs, and then distributed to the department heads.

O’NEILL
The system’s screwed up. It’s all Mr. Bossman’s fault.

MILLER
Look: you’re new. How long have you been with us? Sixteen years?

O’NEILL
Twenty-eight.

MILLER
Oh yeah, that’s right, you were hired in March. And you still haven’t gotten a hang of the system yet. What do you do with these memos now?

O’NEILL
Take them down to accounts receivable.

MILLER
And where is that?

O’NEILL
It’s by the bottomless pit.

MILLER
That’s right. Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is a very big company and sometimes it’s tough to get your bearings. Anyway, it’s been twenty-eight years, your grace period is over, so Mr. Bossman put your name in the red bin.

O’NEILL
The red bin again? Dammit! Now I’m going to have to get up early and change the pH filters in his shark tank.

WILLIAMS enters, clothing in tatters, covered in blood, holding a very, very long straw.

WILLIAMS
I drew the short straw.

O’NEILL
Poop scoop in the cheetah paddock?

WILLIAMS
In the cheetah paddock. Third time this week.

O’NEILL
I thought you were up for promotion.

WILLIAMS
And I got it. I chewed up Mr. Bossman’s food for him. But then he got a gastric feeding bag installed—

O’NEILL
Old bastard

WILLIAMS
And so instead I have the flavor of cheetah poop in my mouth every morning.

MILLER
I heard Mr. Bossman downsized the requisitions department two weeks ago.

WILLIAMS
What?

MILLER
Now if we need to get toner, we have to go to the basement to get it.

O’NEILL
I really don’t want to fight the Minotaur to get toner.

MILLER
And he got a pay cut last week. He’s pissed.

WILLIAMS
Damn that Mr. Bossman! I’m going to defecate on his desk.

MR. BOSSMAN enters.

MR. BOSSMAN
Hey guys!

WILLIAMS
Out of my way, sir, I want to poop on your desk.

MR. BOSSMAN
Ease it up there, Short Straw! That’s Wilder’s job.

WILLIAMS
Defecating on your desk is a job?

MR. BOSSMAN
Not anymore it isn’t.

WILLIAMS
What?

MR. BOSSMAN
We got taken over by the Japanese. The whole country’s one big company. And so Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is going to have a few changes.

MILLER
Will you replace the pine cone in my office with a real external hard drive?

MR. BOSSMAN
No!

O’NEILL
My computer’s a microwave with a keyboard in front of it.

MR. BOSSMAN
No!

WILLIAMS
Could I have a real phone instead of a bananaphone?

MR. BOSSMAN
Yes! You’re promoted. Your first job is to lay off the horses

O’NEILL
How can a company not have horses in this recession?

WILLIAMS
My friend works for Microsoft and he says they don’t have any horses.

MR. BOSSMAN
Fire the horses. Then fire the Minotaur. Then fire yourself. You’re all fired.

WILLIAMS
Fired?

MR. BOSSMAN
Everyone in this room.

O’NEILL
Even you?

BOSSMAN
My God.

He pulls a pistol from his waistband and puts it to his head.

WILLIAMS
How come you get a real gun? My gun’s a bananagun.

O’NEILL
I thought that was your phone.

WILLIAMS
That’s why I keep shooting myself in the head!

MR. BOSSMAN
Shhh!
(pause)
Bang!
(collapses)

MILLER
Mr. Bossman, are you all right?

MR. BOSSMAN
Tell my sharks I love them. And don’t forget to feed my cheetahs… to my sharks. Ack! Dead!

He expires.

WILLIAMS
I call his office!

O’NEILL
(overlapping)
I call his office—dammit!

MILLER
Like hell you do!

They all run.

WALLACE
If she’s stupid, then it’s one thing.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
If she’s stupid, then that’s fine, but if she’s unappreciative of her lover—

WILHELMINA
She didn’t say that, though.

WALLACE
I mean, that’s the way it looks.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
Yeah, you have amazing stories. And she never said anything?

WILHELMINA
No.

WALLACE
That’s wild. For doing that? She’s a Mother Teresa. She should become a monk — uh, a nun — and go work in a monastery.

WILHELMINA
I don’t, like, have any sympathy for her situation, though.

WALLACE
The phone call?

WILHELMINA
If she made a call and said she’s seeing her professor, people would run. They’d run and believe it.

WALLACE
It’s one thing to be working at this small company with these guys—

WILHELMINA
But she deals with it all the time. In school and at, um, that place.

WALLACE
I think she’s a bit of a hypo — uh, hypo — masochist. Hypochondriac.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
She loves complaining and feeling sick. Sometimes you have to fill out forms with an allergy sheet? You know?

WILHELMINA
Yeah.

WALLACE
She should just put down anything!

WILHELMINA
And she has a ready-made excuse. Any time she’s stressed and needs an excuse, she should just say, “I have a teenage son at home.” A ready-made excuse.

WALLACE
That’s hilarious.

WILHELMINA
Yeah. My one friend — this guy. He told all my friends they had to pay him pack for the car insurance he owed. Like they owed him money or something.

WALLACE
They didn’t?

WILHELMINA
No.

WALLACE
Didn’t you say he had a really nice car too? A really nice apartment?

WILHELMINA
Yeah.

WALLACE
Why can’t he afford it?

WILHELMINA
He didn’t say. He just wants them to pay it for him.

WALLACE
Wow, that’s wild. That’s hilarious.

NORM
Though of course the bagels are boiled and then fried.

MARY
Is that so?

NORM
That’s what they say.

MARY
I wouldn’t have guessed.

NORM
And of course spaghetti is made in a similar way.

MARY
How ’bout that?

NORM
God’s truth.

MARY
I hear they turn prunes into pop now.

NORM
Soda pop?

MARY
That’s right. They bottle it.

NORM
Never happen.

MARY
You never believe me.

NORM
Maybe that’s true.

MARY
Ain’t this the finest country in the world.

NORM
Maybe so.

REBECCA
Who knew dorm parties could be so much fun, huh, Greg?

GREG
Only on the sixth floor, Rebecca.

REBECCA
Have you written that humanities paper for me for me yet?

GREG
I have to write my own essays too, Rebecca. Maybe on the next one you could do the outline or something.

REBECCA
Greg, I’m pretty busy with my false teeth collection.

Dan approaches them.

DAN
Aren’t you just cheating both yourself and the school?

GREG
You’re such a buzzkill, Dan.

REBECCA
Look, Dan, let me tell you something. I’m getting a degree in statistics.

GREG
Get it, Dan? Stat.

REBECCA
All right? That’s what this school is third in the country for.

DAN
My academic advisor told me not to talk to you two. She said you’re a bad influence.

REBECCA
That’s exactly the kind of thing a buzzkiller would say.

GREG
Dan, you’re making me thirsty.

Greg goes.

DAN
There are mean people at this party.

REBECCA
That’s all I ever hear from you. “I’m too cold. I can’t play my guitar here. There are mean people at this party.”

DAN
I’m going.

REBECCA
Go practice your major seventh chords.

Greg returns with a drink.

GREG
Pomegranate and Red Bull? That’s heaven in a cup!

(In the summer of 1965, a short man opened up a furniture store.)

MAN: Too bad I’m too short to use any of my furniture. That’s why I sell it. Because everyone else is taller and can.

(Then, a woman walks in, with four other people.)

WOMAN: I’ve got more fingers than I can count. Voici les cadets de Gascogne, qui font cocus tous les jaloux!

MAN: (hands her a car) Here’s a sacreligious artifact.

WOMAN: What’s your name?

MAN: Daniel Webster.

WOMAN: Daniel Webster? Like the dictionary? Okay, let me try and guess the rest of your names, I’m very good at this. Daniel Webster. Jeff Oxford. Rebecca Britannica. Bertrand Wikipedia. And John Farmersalmanac.

(Some benevolent robots help children.)

CURTAIN.

By Spencer S. Spencer and Nathan P. Nathan

Spencer: Nathan, why do you keep putting cats on my face?

Nathan: Here, my sweatshirt doesn’t have cats on it. I’ll wipe it off. So you’re fine now, right? This stray hair isn’t coming off.

Spencer: That’s my eyebrow.

Nathan: Here, I’ll get this one. (his head)

In Sexual Selection, Charles Darwin has a couple sections of the play where he lectures on topics relating to his theories of sexual and natural selection. In writing these scenes, I’ve come across important issues that don’t fit within the world of the play, but nevertheless I feel should be brought to light to clarify the huge impact Darwin had and continues to have on the world of science.

(Darwin enters, addresses audience.)

Darwin:
Thank you for coming to my lecture series about science. Questions? Yes, you.

Student:
Professor Darwin, in your studies, have you found it’s true that a cat has nine lives?

Darwin:
Yes, of course it’s true. Unless it’s a radioactive cat; in which case, it has eighteen half-lives. You.

Student:
Professor Darwin, what is the difference between women and men?

Darwin:
There are three main differences between the sexes– average height, average weight, and ability to photosynthesize. Next?

Student:
Professor Darwin, my foot hurts.

Darwin:
Is that a question?

Student:
I don’t think so.

Darwin:
All right, next?

Student:
Professor Darwin, why is the sky blue?

Darwin:
Ah, excellent question. The sky is blue because it is reflecting the ocean. The sky acts as a large mirror, and when the sun isn’t out, everything becomes dark, which is why the sky is black at night. You may have noticed that the farther inland you go, the lighter the sky gets, because it is reflecting less of the ocean. I have time for one more question. Yes, in the back.

Student:
Professor Darwin, what is… love?

Darwin:
Love? Well. Love. I think what you’re referring to can be best expressed thusly:

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

Student:
That was awful.

Darwin:
Singing ability is not one of my sexually selected traits.

(Rimshot!)