In Sexual Selection, Charles Darwin has a couple sections of the play where he lectures on topics relating to his theories of sexual and natural selection. In writing these scenes, I’ve come across important issues that don’t fit within the world of the play, but nevertheless I feel should be brought to light to clarify the huge impact Darwin had and continues to have on the world of science.

(Darwin enters, addresses audience.)

Darwin:
Thank you for coming to my lecture series about science. Questions? Yes, you.

Student:
Professor Darwin, in your studies, have you found it’s true that a cat has nine lives?

Darwin:
Yes, of course it’s true. Unless it’s a radioactive cat; in which case, it has eighteen half-lives. You.

Student:
Professor Darwin, what is the difference between women and men?

Darwin:
There are three main differences between the sexes– average height, average weight, and ability to photosynthesize. Next?

Student:
Professor Darwin, my foot hurts.

Darwin:
Is that a question?

Student:
I don’t think so.

Darwin:
All right, next?

Student:
Professor Darwin, why is the sky blue?

Darwin:
Ah, excellent question. The sky is blue because it is reflecting the ocean. The sky acts as a large mirror, and when the sun isn’t out, everything becomes dark, which is why the sky is black at night. You may have noticed that the farther inland you go, the lighter the sky gets, because it is reflecting less of the ocean. I have time for one more question. Yes, in the back.

Student:
Professor Darwin, what is… love?

Darwin:
Love? Well. Love. I think what you’re referring to can be best expressed thusly:

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

Student:
That was awful.

Darwin:
Singing ability is not one of my sexually selected traits.

(Rimshot!)