A cubicle. There is a chair, desk, and on the desk is a microwave with a computer keyboard in front of it. MILLER leans on the desk sipping coffee. O’NEILL sits at the microwave getting frustrated.
O’NEILL
Oh great. Thank you. Thank you so much, you stupid computer.
(to MILLER)
It ate my file again.
MILLER
You need to have patience with the new memo system, O’Neill. They’re filed, stamped, buried in the peat bog downstairs, and then distributed to the department heads.
O’NEILL
The system’s screwed up. It’s all Mr. Bossman’s fault.
MILLER
Look: you’re new. How long have you been with us? Sixteen years?
O’NEILL
Twenty-eight.
MILLER
Oh yeah, that’s right, you were hired in March. And you still haven’t gotten a hang of the system yet. What do you do with these memos now?
O’NEILL
Take them down to accounts receivable.
MILLER
And where is that?
O’NEILL
It’s by the bottomless pit.
MILLER
That’s right. Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is a very big company and sometimes it’s tough to get your bearings. Anyway, it’s been twenty-eight years, your grace period is over, so Mr. Bossman put your name in the red bin.
O’NEILL
The red bin again? Dammit! Now I’m going to have to get up early and change the pH filters in his shark tank.
WILLIAMS enters, clothing in tatters, covered in blood, holding a very, very long straw.
WILLIAMS
I drew the short straw.
O’NEILL
Poop scoop in the cheetah paddock?
WILLIAMS
In the cheetah paddock. Third time this week.
O’NEILL
I thought you were up for promotion.
WILLIAMS
And I got it. I chewed up Mr. Bossman’s food for him. But then he got a gastric feeding bag installed—
O’NEILL
Old bastard
WILLIAMS
And so instead I have the flavor of cheetah poop in my mouth every morning.
MILLER
I heard Mr. Bossman downsized the requisitions department two weeks ago.
WILLIAMS
What?
MILLER
Now if we need to get toner, we have to go to the basement to get it.
O’NEILL
I really don’t want to fight the Minotaur to get toner.
MILLER
And he got a pay cut last week. He’s pissed.
WILLIAMS
Damn that Mr. Bossman! I’m going to defecate on his desk.
MR. BOSSMAN enters.
MR. BOSSMAN
Hey guys!
WILLIAMS
Out of my way, sir, I want to poop on your desk.
MR. BOSSMAN
Ease it up there, Short Straw! That’s Wilder’s job.
WILLIAMS
Defecating on your desk is a job?
MR. BOSSMAN
Not anymore it isn’t.
WILLIAMS
What?
MR. BOSSMAN
We got taken over by the Japanese. The whole country’s one big company. And so Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is going to have a few changes.
MILLER
Will you replace the pine cone in my office with a real external hard drive?
MR. BOSSMAN
No!
O’NEILL
My computer’s a microwave with a keyboard in front of it.
MR. BOSSMAN
No!
WILLIAMS
Could I have a real phone instead of a bananaphone?
MR. BOSSMAN
Yes! You’re promoted. Your first job is to lay off the horses
O’NEILL
How can a company not have horses in this recession?
WILLIAMS
My friend works for Microsoft and he says they don’t have any horses.
MR. BOSSMAN
Fire the horses. Then fire the Minotaur. Then fire yourself. You’re all fired.
WILLIAMS
Fired?
MR. BOSSMAN
Everyone in this room.
O’NEILL
Even you?
BOSSMAN
My God.
He pulls a pistol from his waistband and puts it to his head.
WILLIAMS
How come you get a real gun? My gun’s a bananagun.
O’NEILL
I thought that was your phone.
WILLIAMS
That’s why I keep shooting myself in the head!
MR. BOSSMAN
Shhh!
(pause)
Bang!
(collapses)
MILLER
Mr. Bossman, are you all right?
MR. BOSSMAN
Tell my sharks I love them. And don’t forget to feed my cheetahs… to my sharks. Ack! Dead!
He expires.
WILLIAMS
I call his office!
O’NEILL
(overlapping)
I call his office—dammit!
MILLER
Like hell you do!
They all run.
This isn’t funny…
?