My Festival Director’s note in the program:

By a remarkable coincidence, almost all the plays have torn newspaper on the floor and a dance break.

There are no doors, beds, or couches.

I’m particularly proud of that last thing.

From the next-to-last draft of Pagan Play, before we fixed it.

A restroom in heaven.

HE
I’ve lost my nerve.

SHE
I’m not unsympathetic, but–

HE
This is it. I’ll be here forever. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t here.

SHE
It’ll pass.

HE
Not here. Not now. I’ve lost all optimisim in the situation.

SHE
Shall I go without you?

HE
I suppose.

SHE
The hors d’oeuvres are getting cold, you know.

HE
I know.

SHE
People will talk.

HE
If you must.

SHE
I’ll miss you.

HE
Give them my regards.

SHE
I will. Shall I give Teddy your love?

HE
Yes. Give him that.

SHE
And Rhonda? Shall I kiss her on the cheek for you?

HE
Like in Paris, yes.

SHE
And your mother?

HE
She’s here?

SHE
She’s asking for you.

HE
This is mortifying. I can’t leave now.

SHE
You must try. Everyone’s waiting.

HE
I can’t.

SHE
Make a solid effort.

HE
I can see no good end to this.

SHE
Think of waterfalls. Think of the Seine.

HE
It’s hard.

SHE
It’s hard?

HE
I mean it’s difficult.

SHE
You must let go.

HE
I’m trying.

SHE
I love you.

HE
I love you too.

Moving Parts Theatre’s Pagan Play.

June 19 – 27, 2010. Hollywood Fringe Festival.

THE FAUN: Either way. Either way. Either way. Either way. Either way, I will have to find a way to cope with the selfish people I know. And change. I’ll have to change to cope with the arrogance, with the hubris, with the greed and envy and entitlement and vanity. I’ll have to become something bigger than the ego. And then I will be compassionate. Desire is exhausting.

COMMUNIST, an old-timey sidewalk hustler, grabs the attention of a rosy-cheeked American YOUTH.

COMMUNIST
Hey, kid. You there, American youth!

YOUTH
Me?

COMMUNIST
Yeah, you! Have you heard about Communism?

YOUTH
Com-Communism?

COMMUNIST
Yeah, kid, it’s the latest thing. You should really come over to Russia and give it a whirl.

YOUTH
Well what’s it all about?

COMMUNIST
It’s a classless, stateless society, where ownership of all property and means of production is held by everyone.

YOUTH
Well golly, that sounds pretty neat. You Russians have got it pretty well together.

COMMUNIST
Sure do, son. Care to join up?

YOUTH
Well let me ask first. Is there free speech guaranteed for the media, arts, and the people?

COMMUNIST
No way. We wouldn’t want any dissenting opinions.

YOUTH
All right. Will necessary items like toilet paper and bread be available as it’s needed?

COMMUNIST
You’ll have to wait in line like everyone else.

YOUTH
I see. Are women and men equal in this society?

COMMUNIST
Not at all. Women are held in common alongside cows and shoes.

YOUTH
Boy, I don’t know. It sure sounds tempting.

COMMUNIST
(holds out clipboard)
Sign here, son. I think you’ll really get a kick out of it.

YOUTH is about to sign the clipboard. MEDIA runs in.

MEDIA
Hold on one cotton-picking second! You’re Old Man Fascism!

COMMUNIST
Curses!

YOUTH
What?

COMMUNIST
And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Smith from Anytown, USA.

MEDIA
I am the US Media! I can see right through your disguise!

YOUTH
I’m not going to wear your gray tunics and lose my true-blue American denim and Chuck Taylors!

COMMUNIST
But—

YOUTH
Good day to you, sir!

MEDIA pulls a lever and COMMUNIST drops through a trap door.

MEDIA
So, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, are you ready for higher education in a capitalist state?

YOUTH
I sure am! But where are the teachers?

MEDIA
Statewide layoffs.

YOUTH
My textbooks?

MEDIA
Treasury austerity plan.

YOUTH
Student loan?

MEDIA
Federal budget cuts.

YOUTH
But how am I supposed to get an education?

MEDIA
This is your education!

Mug to the audience.

A cubicle. There is a chair, desk, and on the desk is a microwave with a computer keyboard in front of it. MILLER leans on the desk sipping coffee. O’NEILL sits at the microwave getting frustrated.

O’NEILL
Oh great. Thank you. Thank you so much, you stupid computer.
(to MILLER)
It ate my file again.

MILLER
You need to have patience with the new memo system, O’Neill. They’re filed, stamped, buried in the peat bog downstairs, and then distributed to the department heads.

O’NEILL
The system’s screwed up. It’s all Mr. Bossman’s fault.

MILLER
Look: you’re new. How long have you been with us? Sixteen years?

O’NEILL
Twenty-eight.

MILLER
Oh yeah, that’s right, you were hired in March. And you still haven’t gotten a hang of the system yet. What do you do with these memos now?

O’NEILL
Take them down to accounts receivable.

MILLER
And where is that?

O’NEILL
It’s by the bottomless pit.

MILLER
That’s right. Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is a very big company and sometimes it’s tough to get your bearings. Anyway, it’s been twenty-eight years, your grace period is over, so Mr. Bossman put your name in the red bin.

O’NEILL
The red bin again? Dammit! Now I’m going to have to get up early and change the pH filters in his shark tank.

WILLIAMS enters, clothing in tatters, covered in blood, holding a very, very long straw.

WILLIAMS
I drew the short straw.

O’NEILL
Poop scoop in the cheetah paddock?

WILLIAMS
In the cheetah paddock. Third time this week.

O’NEILL
I thought you were up for promotion.

WILLIAMS
And I got it. I chewed up Mr. Bossman’s food for him. But then he got a gastric feeding bag installed—

O’NEILL
Old bastard

WILLIAMS
And so instead I have the flavor of cheetah poop in my mouth every morning.

MILLER
I heard Mr. Bossman downsized the requisitions department two weeks ago.

WILLIAMS
What?

MILLER
Now if we need to get toner, we have to go to the basement to get it.

O’NEILL
I really don’t want to fight the Minotaur to get toner.

MILLER
And he got a pay cut last week. He’s pissed.

WILLIAMS
Damn that Mr. Bossman! I’m going to defecate on his desk.

MR. BOSSMAN enters.

MR. BOSSMAN
Hey guys!

WILLIAMS
Out of my way, sir, I want to poop on your desk.

MR. BOSSMAN
Ease it up there, Short Straw! That’s Wilder’s job.

WILLIAMS
Defecating on your desk is a job?

MR. BOSSMAN
Not anymore it isn’t.

WILLIAMS
What?

MR. BOSSMAN
We got taken over by the Japanese. The whole country’s one big company. And so Sherman and Manchewitz Investitures Corporation is going to have a few changes.

MILLER
Will you replace the pine cone in my office with a real external hard drive?

MR. BOSSMAN
No!

O’NEILL
My computer’s a microwave with a keyboard in front of it.

MR. BOSSMAN
No!

WILLIAMS
Could I have a real phone instead of a bananaphone?

MR. BOSSMAN
Yes! You’re promoted. Your first job is to lay off the horses

O’NEILL
How can a company not have horses in this recession?

WILLIAMS
My friend works for Microsoft and he says they don’t have any horses.

MR. BOSSMAN
Fire the horses. Then fire the Minotaur. Then fire yourself. You’re all fired.

WILLIAMS
Fired?

MR. BOSSMAN
Everyone in this room.

O’NEILL
Even you?

BOSSMAN
My God.

He pulls a pistol from his waistband and puts it to his head.

WILLIAMS
How come you get a real gun? My gun’s a bananagun.

O’NEILL
I thought that was your phone.

WILLIAMS
That’s why I keep shooting myself in the head!

MR. BOSSMAN
Shhh!
(pause)
Bang!
(collapses)

MILLER
Mr. Bossman, are you all right?

MR. BOSSMAN
Tell my sharks I love them. And don’t forget to feed my cheetahs… to my sharks. Ack! Dead!

He expires.

WILLIAMS
I call his office!

O’NEILL
(overlapping)
I call his office—dammit!

MILLER
Like hell you do!

They all run.

WALLACE
If she’s stupid, then it’s one thing.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
If she’s stupid, then that’s fine, but if she’s unappreciative of her lover—

WILHELMINA
She didn’t say that, though.

WALLACE
I mean, that’s the way it looks.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
Yeah, you have amazing stories. And she never said anything?

WILHELMINA
No.

WALLACE
That’s wild. For doing that? She’s a Mother Teresa. She should become a monk — uh, a nun — and go work in a monastery.

WILHELMINA
I don’t, like, have any sympathy for her situation, though.

WALLACE
The phone call?

WILHELMINA
If she made a call and said she’s seeing her professor, people would run. They’d run and believe it.

WALLACE
It’s one thing to be working at this small company with these guys—

WILHELMINA
But she deals with it all the time. In school and at, um, that place.

WALLACE
I think she’s a bit of a hypo — uh, hypo — masochist. Hypochondriac.

WILHELMINA
Right.

WALLACE
She loves complaining and feeling sick. Sometimes you have to fill out forms with an allergy sheet? You know?

WILHELMINA
Yeah.

WALLACE
She should just put down anything!

WILHELMINA
And she has a ready-made excuse. Any time she’s stressed and needs an excuse, she should just say, “I have a teenage son at home.” A ready-made excuse.

WALLACE
That’s hilarious.

WILHELMINA
Yeah. My one friend — this guy. He told all my friends they had to pay him pack for the car insurance he owed. Like they owed him money or something.

WALLACE
They didn’t?

WILHELMINA
No.

WALLACE
Didn’t you say he had a really nice car too? A really nice apartment?

WILHELMINA
Yeah.

WALLACE
Why can’t he afford it?

WILHELMINA
He didn’t say. He just wants them to pay it for him.

WALLACE
Wow, that’s wild. That’s hilarious.