It will be useful to prepare oneself beforehand, and in utter silence, by grave immobilities, before approaching the bread.

Make sure it is wheat bread. Do not be afraid.

Repress scarring childhood memories of father being macerated by a grain thresher, but not for too long.

Savor your memory of living in a one-room apartment above a bakery in Versailles as you gently, very gently, remove two slices of bread.

Remember to breathe.

Turns out it was a cold with a twist of upper respiratory infection, marching slowly, inexorably, mucously down the road to bronchitis. But! I now have several prescriptions, including one that will tell my pulmonary irritant receptors to just take a dang break because some people are trying to sleep. I also had a conversation with my doctor that went like this.

DOC
You’ve almost got bronchitis. At the moment, it’s just an upper respiratory infection, and that can be cleared up in a week with antibiotics.

ME
Okay.

DOC
Your wheezing is also a point of concern. I’m diagnosing you with asthma.

ME
You mean the thing I was born with?

DOC
I’m writing you a prescription for an inhaler.

ME
I have an inhaler.

DOC
Here, let me show you how an inhaler works.

I now realize this makes my doctor sound like a quack. The rest of the conversation was enlightening and filled me with an awe of medical science and the healing we as a species are able to accomplish, in spite of how expensive it is for someone without insurance. But that’s less interesting than the doctor diagnosing me with the nerdiest of ailments. Second nerdiest is orange stool due to acute Cheetos overdose.

Things I’ve learned from this cold:

Thing A:
You look really cool when you cough so much you get asthma. You look even cooler when you whip out that inhaler from a vest pocket.

Thing 2:
You can pull a hamstring from the aforementioned coughing.

Dear Brünnhilde,

Last weekend I was driving with an old friend of mine. The car sputtered to a halt, steam billowing everywhere, and while we waited for the tow truck, I confessed I’d been in love with her for the past three years. She became really uncomfortable and asked if she could walk the rest of the way. It’s been almost a week and she hasn’t responded to my phone messages asking if we could talk things through. I don’t want a relationship if she doesn’t–I just needed to get it out in the open because it’s been on my mind for so long. Was I wrong for doing that?

–Heartsick in Hartford

Dear Heartsick,

It sounds like your engine is overheating. If the temperature gauge indicated the car was running hot, it could mean serious damage to your coolant system. Antifreeze doesn’t need to be dripping out of the engine for the level to be low; evaporation and constant use can deplete the antifreeze reservoir. Make an appointment with your local auto shop to see if any damage was done either to the coolant uptake tube, which is often the most likely culprit and an easy fix, or to the heating core, which could be a little more costly.

–Brünnhilde

Amelia Ocarina Wedderburn
Wizz Marsh
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Terence Fitzbancroft
Karl Flinders
Deborah Butts
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Count Axel Oxenstjerna
Friedrich Von Winkelrod
Richard and Priscilla Ferguson-Wagstaffe
Lady Eliza Dorking
Tanya “Tuffy” Poddlepants